This subject is very personal to me. You see, for a long time, I used to have a negative self-perception: judging from rejection or social failures, I drew a mental picture of myself as a misfit, failure and unlikable fellow. Even worse, I concluded that all my personal values had no meaning in real life. I finally realized there were two very detrimental mechanisms going on:

1. Caring too much about rejection.

That’s is not something unlikely for the human brain to do, because the it is wired to pay special attention to negative, distressing stimuli – after all, that strategy allowed us to survive throughout evolution. Today, you attach great meaning to the rejections you receive, and comparably little to the friendly, favourable reactions from people. If you sat down and reviewed your relationships – with coworkers, family, friends, peers – objectively, you would very likely find that the scales tip strongly in favour of acceptance.

2. Relying on false evidence.

Once you get this idea into your head that you’re not “good enough” for some perceived rules of society or “coolness standards” at your school or workplace, finding evidence to support that theory is a piece of cake. There’s enough people around who actually cannot stand you, and the rest of your interactions you just misinterpret or dismiss. “Yeah, he’s nice to me, but secretly he knows that I’m not a cool person, and he just talks to me because he’s a friendly guy. Nobody likes or understands what’s going on inside me. My inner life and values just make me a misfit in this sick society with all those shallow, superficial bastards in it.”

The dangerous thing about this attitude is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People pick up on your insecurities and the negativity that grows from them, and they actually do withdraw. But ponder this: you have a worse perception of yourself than anybody else! To the eye of the beholder, you’re likely just a normal guy, but inside your own head, you obsess about what others may think, and how you probably come across as a douchebag in an alien world.

Two things to do:

1. Stop worrying.

Because nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody does. And neither should you. Your attention should be on your heart – make what’s in there the most important thing.

2. Change your story.

The voices in your head, and the scenes they play out, are overdue for an overhaul. Imagine this: people laughing with you, smiling at your comments, shaking your hand, enjoying your presence.

Because this is what’s gonna happen! If you don’t believe it, try it. Approach the next person you talk to (bank teller, supermarket cashier, barkeep) with a bright smile and an upbeat “how do you do?” Then chat them up. They’ll love it! And if one doesn’t, tough luck. The next one will. Smile to yourself, and gradually change the way you think.

You can do that systematically through self-observation. Whenever you feel a negative idea creep in, force it out of your head. I mean it: forcefully shut it down, and do the same with all that follow. “I don’t think people will react well if I…” – shut it down! “Yeah right, like that’s going to solve my…” – stop it! “But I don’t have the skills, and that’s a proven…” – no! Out with it! “Yeah right, that’s easy to say” – kick it out of your brain. It’s a simple decision you make. No more negative thinking from now on. Replace all that junk with confidence (“confidence” literally meaning “with faith”!), joy, excitement.

Last piece of advice: redefine failure! If you gauge other people’s reactions to determine if you’re “successful”, it’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead, count it as a success if you follow your values and spread your idea of love and joy into the world. You know in your heart what’s right for you, what you stand for and what you believe in. If you live according to these values, you succeed. If you betray them, you fail. So how helpful are you to yourself now? Do yourself that favour. Nobody else will.

1. Be prepared for it.

If you only remember parts of the story, don’t even bother telling it. Nothing’s a greater buzzkill than somebody trying to piece together a joke on the fly. “No, wait, then it’s the other guy that says… uh… no, it’s the first guy who says it.” Argh.

2. Make it intriguing.

Your joke, especially if it is a story (not a question with a funny answer), will have a better effect if you make it snappy. Don’t break its rhythm with “uuuh” and “erm”, don’t laugh while you’re telling it or keep repeating how awesome the punch line is. Establish parts of the story, picture the character’s actions and reactions.

3. Don’t laugh at it.

“Ha-ha-ha! I’m just kidding ya.” Doesn’t fly. When you say something funny or outrageous, make no excuses for it afterwards, and don’t laugh at it. Those things show that you are insecure, trying to validate your joke after telling it. (obviously, that doesn’t apply if you visibly offended somebody, the you should acknowledge your faux pas. See “How to stand your ground” for more.)

For great body language and delivery, observe people that already know how to tell a joke: Eddie Izzard is a brilliant comedian, and you’ll easily find clips from his shows online. If you’re into him, get an entire show: I recommend “Dress to Kill”, “Glorious” or “Circle”. You may also watch Jon Stewart (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” is online as well), Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle. Closely examine the body language these guys have, and the ways they use their voices, facial expressions and gestures to accentuate their material. If you’re so inclined, you can even turn off the sound to get a better impression of their techniques. It’s going to help you a lot!

What happens inside you is yours to control.

Great personalities decide to be the change they want to see in the world. Realize this: any gloomy emotions you carry are yours, and yours alone. You may not have control over pressure, hardships, crises, challenges. But you are the one who responds. If you hang your head in anger and frustration, you amplify your misery! A math challenge for you: if you have sh*t in your life, what do you get when you add more sh*t?! Yeah. It’s insane.

Complaining leads to isolation.

Unfair as it is, people don’t judge you by the troubles you face, but by how you deal with them. The good news: when friends see you suffer under your circumstances, they will offer you their shoulder and a helping hand. The bad news: misery only likes company for so long. If you don’t use the support you get to improve your attitude, friends will stop investing in you. Nobody likes an energy vampire. This is a fact of life.

The first thing you need to stop doing is complaining. It alienates people. They don’t want to hear how crappy things are and how much you loathe your situation! They want to hear that things are crappy and what you’re gonna do about it. They don’t want to hear how messed up your weekend was: tell them instead how messed-up it was and how you still enjoyed its few good sides!

Learn to bear anything with a smile and confidence. You’ll improve your situation just by doing that, and as an added bonus, earn the appreciation of your social surroundings.

Happiness does not bloom from complaint, discomfort and resentment. We agree that life can get really tough. The more troubles you face, the more important it is for you to be positive, joyful and welcoming towards everything and everybody in your life. So, are you playing the victim? Watch yourself and transform your mentality. Make the change you want. Spread some love for your own sake.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

Man has a sense for the discovery of beauty. How rich is the world for one who makes use of this discovery. Beauty must have power over man.

- Frankie Goes to Hollywood (War)