One Way To Go • Natural Attractiveness.

“I’m a failure”, “people don’t like me”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not socially acceptable”. What’s the kind of narrative you play in your head every day? And how helpful are you to yourself? If it’s anything like the above, do you think it’s time to change it? I do – and I hear you object: what’s that gonna achieve, when evidence of your inadequacy is all around? I say: everything. I cannot stress enough what a vital role your inner narrative plays for your success and well-being in life.

This subject is very personal to me. You see, for a long time, I used to have a negative self-perception: judging from rejection or social failures, I drew a mental picture of myself as a misfit, failure and unlikable fellow. Even worse, I concluded that all my personal values had no meaning in real life. I finally realized there were two very detrimental mechanisms going on:

1. Caring too much about rejection.

That’s is not something unlikely for the human brain to do, because the it is wired to pay special attention to negative, distressing stimuli – after all, that strategy allowed us to survive throughout evolution. Today, you attach great meaning to the rejections you receive, and comparably little to the friendly, favourable reactions from people. If you sat down and reviewed your relationships – with coworkers, family, friends, peers – objectively, you would very likely find that the scales tip strongly in favour of acceptance.

2. Relying on false evidence.

Once you get this idea into your head that you’re not “good enough” for some perceived rules of society or “coolness standards” at your school or workplace, finding evidence to support that theory is a piece of cake. There’s enough people around who actually cannot stand you, and the rest of your interactions you just misinterpret or dismiss. “Yeah, he’s nice to me, but secretly he knows that I’m not a cool person, and he just talks to me because he’s a friendly guy. Nobody likes or understands what’s going on inside me. My inner life and values just make me a misfit in this sick society with all those shallow, superficial bastards in it.”

The dangerous thing about this attitude is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People pick up on your insecurities and the negativity that grows from them, and they actually do withdraw. But ponder this: you have a worse perception of yourself than anybody else! To the eye of the beholder, you’re likely just a normal guy, but inside your own head, you obsess about what others may think, and how you probably come across as a douchebag in an alien world.

Two things to do:

1. Stop worrying.

Because nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody does. And neither should you. Your attention should be on your heart – make what’s in there the most important thing.

2. Change your story.

The voices in your head, and the scenes they play out, are overdue for an overhaul. Imagine this: people laughing with you, smiling at your comments, shaking your hand, enjoying your presence.

Because this is what’s gonna happen! If you don’t believe it, try it. Approach the next person you talk to (bank teller, supermarket cashier, barkeep) with a bright smile and an upbeat “how do you do?” Then chat them up. They’ll love it! And if one doesn’t, tough luck. The next one will. Smile to yourself, and gradually change the way you think.

You can do that systematically through self-observation. Whenever you feel a negative idea creep in, force it out of your head. I mean it: forcefully shut it down, and do the same with all that follow. “I don’t think people will react well if I…” – shut it down! “Yeah right, like that’s going to solve my…” – stop it! “But I don’t have the skills, and that’s a proven…” – no! Out with it! “Yeah right, that’s easy to say” – kick it out of your brain. It’s a simple decision you make. No more negative thinking from now on. Replace all that junk with confidence (“confidence” literally meaning “with faith”!), joy, excitement.

Last piece of advice: redefine failure! If you gauge other people’s reactions to determine if you’re “successful”, it’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead, count it as a success if you follow your values and spread your idea of love and joy into the world. You know in your heart what’s right for you, what you stand for and what you believe in. If you live according to these values, you succeed. If you betray them, you fail. So how helpful are you to yourself now? Do yourself that favour. Nobody else will.

This is just a quick post to introduce some ideas about telling jokes with good effect. People often screw it up with bad delivery, even if the joke has great potential, while others can deliver lame jokes and leave you in stitches. Here are three pieces of advice:

1. Be prepared for it.

If you only remember parts of the story, don’t even bother telling it. Nothing’s a greater buzzkill than somebody trying to piece together a joke on the fly. “No, wait, then it’s the other guy that says… uh… no, it’s the first guy who says it.” Argh.

2. Make it intriguing.

Your joke, especially if it is a story (not a question with a funny answer), will have a better effect if you make it snappy. Don’t break its rhythm with “uuuh” and “erm”, don’t laugh while you’re telling it or keep repeating how awesome the punch line is. Establish parts of the story, picture the character’s actions and reactions.

3. Don’t laugh at it.

“Ha-ha-ha! I’m just kidding ya.” Doesn’t fly. When you say something funny or outrageous, make no excuses for it afterwards, and don’t laugh at it. Those things show that you are insecure, trying to validate your joke after telling it. (obviously, that doesn’t apply if you visibly offended somebody, the you should acknowledge your faux pas. See “How to stand your ground” for more.)

For great body language and delivery, observe people that already know how to tell a joke: Eddie Izzard is a brilliant comedian, and you’ll easily find clips from his shows online. If you’re into him, get an entire show: I recommend “Dress to Kill”, “Glorious” or “Circle”. You may also watch Jon Stewart (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” is online as well), Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle. Closely examine the body language these guys have, and the ways they use their voices, facial expressions and gestures to accentuate their material. If you’re so inclined, you can even turn off the sound to get a better impression of their techniques. It’s going to help you a lot!

You poor thing! Life doesn’t go your way, does it? Stupid final exam overlaps your birthday, friends dragged you to a stinky pub, you had to wait for the bus for half an hour. In the rain. You’re frustrated, angry and you bitch to everybody you see. At least that makes it easier to bear! Or… perhaps not?! Hang on! Breaking news! Your victim mentality f*cks with your happiness. Even worse, if you take it too far, it will lead you down a vicious circle of self-destruction. So, are you playing the victim? Think about it.

What happens inside you is yours to control.

Great personalities decide to be the change they want to see in the world. Realize this: any gloomy emotions you carry are yours, and yours alone. You may not have control over pressure, hardships, crises, challenges. But you are the one who responds. If you hang your head in anger and frustration, you amplify your misery! A math challenge for you: if you have sh*t in your life, what do you get when you add more sh*t?! Yeah. It’s insane.

Complaining leads to isolation.

Unfair as it is, people don’t judge you by the troubles you face, but by how you deal with them. The good news: when friends see you suffer under your circumstances, they will offer you their shoulder and a helping hand. The bad news: misery only likes company for so long. If you don’t use the support you get to improve your attitude, friends will stop investing in you. Nobody likes an energy vampire. This is a fact of life.

The first thing you need to stop doing is complaining. It alienates people. They don’t want to hear how crappy things are and how much you loathe your situation! They want to hear that things are crappy and what you’re gonna do about it. They don’t want to hear how messed up your weekend was: tell them instead how messed-up it was and how you still enjoyed its few good sides!

Learn to bear anything with a smile and confidence. You’ll improve your situation just by doing that, and as an added bonus, earn the appreciation of your social surroundings.

Happiness does not bloom from complaint, discomfort and resentment. We agree that life can get really tough. The more troubles you face, the more important it is for you to be positive, joyful and welcoming towards everything and everybody in your life. So, are you playing the victim? Watch yourself and transform your mentality. Make the change you want. Spread some love for your own sake.

Sounds like a catchy slogan for a new service, doesn’t it? “Body Language Flirting! Amp up your animal attraction!” See, body language is incredibly powerful and it’s by far the most neglected area of flirting and seduction. It mirrors your mood and emotions, and transfers them to the person you’re with. Allow me to show how you can present great body language by modifying your emotional state.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about love. No, this is not an article about Christmas. This is an article about your life, and what you want to do with it. There’s a choice about this that you can make any day, a stance that you can take and pursue with stern conviction from this moment on, like some of the greatest human souls have done before you. To whatever comes your way, your choice is to respond with love.

There’s enough negativity around. Don’t ever add to it.

Unfortunate as it is, hatred, antagony, annoyances or disturbances are part of our everyday experience. There’s the colleague at work who just can’t stand you, your pissed-off girlfriend who had a terrible day, the car diving by that sprays mud on you. Now and again, there’s little you can do about these things. However, you can do everything about how you respond to them!

It’s time you take responsibility for your interactions with this wonderful, crazy, unpredictable, moody, emotional, conflicted, harmonious world around you, and the magnificent beings that inhabit it. Let your prime motivators be love, and the pursuit of beauty. Look for them in all things until you can find them even in the direst of places. And make no mistake, this takes practice.

Whoever endeavours to rain on your parade, show them your appreciation for their human essence, their desires, emotions, flaws. Shake their hand and invite them into your life, tell them you have nothing but respect for them, and mean it.

Whatever frame of reality they have, whatever their character and goals are, you may not agree with them at all. And still, they’re your peers on a very deep level, and there, you are one.

Never stray from your values.

When love, truth and beauty become your immutable convictions, an immense inner strength will stem from acting in accordance with them at all times.

Instead of outcomes, your reference for success and fulfillment now lies within: you no longer depend on results as much, because even if you fail in an endeavour, you will feel satisfaction for never abandoning your core beliefs and values. Even more so, you never let anybody step on them either.

I’ll say it again: respond with love. This is Christmas, love is all around now, as they say. Do you have the resolve and strength to carry that attitude into the next month, the next year, make it an integral part of your everyday life? Keep your eyes open for adverse situations, where conflict brews, and face them with this attitude. This is not about bending over backwards to make others feel fine – assert your truth and stand for your values.

As you look into the eyes of the woman sitting with you, you wonder what it would feel like to touch her, and kiss her lips. Quickly, you decide that your impulse is inappropriate, and you choke it. Instead, you continue the mundane, but safe conversation you’re having with her. An hour later, you’re back home, alone, and you kick yourself for screwing up another date. Why is it so hard to be honest? Were the stakes too high? What did you have to lose? Was it anything you “possessed” when you came in?

Honesty: so much easier when you have beliefs.

I am convinced that with your belief system tightly in place, with a solid conviction, being honest will come quite naturally to you. Where is your belief system at? Let me give you a taste of mine. I believe in creating and pursuing my own truth, love and beauty. If something has validity in my frame of mind, if it speaks to my feelings, then it is my truth. Examine yourself, and find answers to these questions:

- what do I love?
- where am I going?

Note that I didn’t propose “what do I want?” as the first question, because to know what you want, you have to search your passions first. When you have a clear idea about what you love, you will find what you want: this goes for where you want to be at the end of the decade as much as the end of this week, or the day. Then, regardless what anyone else may say, “I love women and I am going to have several of them in my life” is just as valid as “I love this one woman and I want to have her solely” – as long as it’s your personal truth. Realizing your truth, and living it, will enable you to create beauty in your life.

Embrace and assert your truth.

“I’m wondering what it would feel like to kiss you.” This is going through your mind, right? It’s where your passion points you. Even as you are sitting in a café next to a lovely lady (not opposite her, I hope – it’s a date, be close enough to touch her!), you are on your pursuit of beauty. As you assert that frame, you’re less intruding her boundaries than inviting her inside yours. This is the journey you’re on, and she has the opportunity to come along. She is free to do with the invitation as she likes.

Yes. Yes, you may still end up alone in your flat. But will you beat yourself up for not asserting your reality? Did you follow your path? Are you still moving towards your notion of beauty? I sure think so. Well then, why is it so hard to be honest after all? I propose that you’re not solid enough in your conviction to follow the path you’re on. More pressingly, you may not have a clear picture of it in your mind to begin with. Figure it out, then assert it. “I’m not looking for a girlfriend.” – “Are you seeing other girls at the moment?” – “Yes. About 45, and some of them live in my basement.” I never said you couldn’t be playful about it. (tbs)

What are some of the things you could never really warm up to? British humour, sushi, Live Action Role Playing, spirituality, horror movies, self-help, daytime television, religion, soccer, beer. I’m sure I just named a few that you, personally, feel no affinity whatsoever for. Yet, people all around you enjoy and appreciate these things on a daily basis. Sure, you can easily dismiss them: but what if I told you that there was a way to appreciate what you don’t like without compromising your stance? Wouldn’t that enrich your life? I learned that it’s feasible, and I’d like to tell you about it.

I never liked the idea of marriage.

To my mind, marriage is unnatural, and if not, it’s certainly against my nature. I don’t have to look at the harrowing statistics to see that it doesn’t work. There are married couples around me that live a lie day-in day-out, drifting along like dead fish at best or making life hell for each other at worst. Yes, I can say with full confidence that marriage is not for me.

I used to joke with my friends when somebody got married: “Let’s send them our condolences”, “ah there goes another one”, “so much for the sex life, better start playing golf now”, “end of the line”.

Then, I got invited to a friend’s wedding. Seeing how much happiness and bliss these two people felt as they made that step, I realized one thing: even though I may still despise the idea of marriage, I can see that there are people out there who genuinely believe in it and whom it makes deeply happy.

Relate to the underlying emotion.

Since then, I have been looking for the underlying emotion in anythnig a person does and appreciates. While I may not enjoy the same kind of activity, I look for the positive aspect that it brings to that person’s life, and if I can conclude that it genuinely enriches their experience, no matter in what way, that is enough for me to appreciate it. I still don’t like marriage, but I’ve made it a habit to congratulate everybody that I see getting married, tell them how beautiful they look and that I wish them the very best. These things I can sincerely say: they do look beautiful, and I do hope they’ll be fine down the line.

This is what positivity is all about. I spoke through a veil of negativity when I joked about weddings, but I shed it, and I’m shedding it about more and more things each day. Still, I haven’t compromised my position on any of them in the least bit. Just because something doesn’t work for you, it can still have a deep significance for somebody else – and to value, respect and appreciate that is one of your highest duties. Connect to people’s underlying emotions, because you’ll find that you carry the same ones inside yourself.

This is what tolerance should be about.

Now, the thing is, if somebody flat-out asked us if we’re judgmental or prejudiced, I’m sure anybody would vehemently deny it and affirm their high regard for tolerance. Yet, if we watched ourselves very closely, we’d be surprised and a bit appalled to find how much judgement we actually pass on people and ideas every day.

How are we going to change that unless drag it into our awareness first? My challenge to you is to become very mindful of your attitude from now on. When you feel a negative notion about something creep in, replace it with this idea: “Whatever floats their boat.” When you have that down, move on to: “This is great for these people.” You always have the option to appreciate what you don’t like. Do it for the sake of those around you, and ultimately, do it for your own sake.

You know it and I know it: tricky situations are inevitable. Life’s a bitch, and it has a way of sneaking up on us and pushing us right between a rock and a hard place when we least need it. So how do you act when life gets tough: do you stay or run away? I’ve seen many people push the “eject” button as soon as possible whenever they were faced with resistance, obstacles, adverse conditions. And hey, why not escape from a bad situation while we can? Well, I have a number of reasons for you, and some advice. Let’s look at why you screw yourself by running from your problems:

1. The next situation might be worse.

If you flee from one situation into another, you may be worse off than you were before. You may move out of your apartment because you’re tired of your roommates who smoke inside and party when you want to sleep – and the next thing you know, your new landlord is a horrible dick who sues you for things you didn’t do.

2. You are missing out on practice.

In our everyday life, we have lots of little issues coming our way that we can easily walk away from; chances are they’ll resolve themselves or drift out of our lives. But then, these little issues are often easy enough to solve! As such, they represent perfect practice: if you tackle and solve them, you will

a) realize that you can fix things
b) consequently feel empowered
c) know what to do when the sh*t really hits the fan.

Believe it or not, you will run into challenges that you cannot back out of, and that’s usually when the stakes are high: a major test for your studies, or a crisis. Once you’re forced to stay and fight, having lots of everyday experience will make it a lot easier for you. You’ll know how to manage your options and resources, how to set priorities or even just distinguish between the aspects that you have control over and those you don’t. You’ve done it all before! It’s the same, just on a larger scale.

So here’s my advice for you today: instead of jumping into the fire, turn down the heat in the frying pan. Hang in there and hold your ground, even if it’s just a small situation. Assess the issue, see what could be done about it and how, and in which order, examine your options and resources, and get cracking. If you sharpen your mind and skills at dealing with problems, your increased confidence and security will be the benefit.

Imagine this for a moment: one day, you open a door like any other and on the other side, there is just a great, shining white. Whatever it holds is inconceivable: for all you know, it has to be a world beyond our well-structured, organized matrix of everyday life, a world where nothing more is predictable, anything can happen and no more rules apply. And your mind yells “but there has to be something! Surely the light is just too bright for me to see what it conceals!” But the fact is, there’s nothing for your rational mind to latch on to, no shapes, no numbers, no regulations, no laws or principles. And no clocks. It’s the total dissolution of the collective reality we’ve created on this side. The idea of stepping through that door freaks us out because there is no way of knowing what waits beyond. People are frightened of horror movies precisely because they thrust open that door to the unknown, to the realm that exists outside our mental boundaries: in a world like that, what would you do? You’d be entirely left to your own devices, because when there are no more rules, that means you’d be the one making them. You’d be completely in control of your fate. You’d be creating your reality. Is that worth overcoming the fear of the unknown? I sure think so.

The “Unknown” is right here.

Now, what if I told you that this realm is here right now? That you are moving around in that timeless, limitless space all your life, and you just negate it? Over the centuries, we humans have blown our civilization and technology so ridiculously out of proportion that we’ve come to accept it as the ultimate truth. In it, life is predictable, cut into neat, manageable chunks governed by clocks and rules. However, there is a reality much greater than that, and it is largely inconceivable by all the rationale our brains have come up with. Nothing happens in contradiction to nature – only to what we know of it. The parts we don’t know may just be strong enough to one day tear down the “reality” we’ve made up.

Today, I challenge you to tear it down for yourself before somebody else does. Here’s how:

1. Stop resisting the Unknown.

We have a tendency to resist against what we don’t know. The problem is that we can’t make something go away by pushing against it: all we do is feed our anxiety about it. The threat that it represents in our minds looms with growing intensity the more we resist. Yet, there are at least two ways to look at something you don’t know:

a) a dangerous entity that threatens the status quo and, hence, your safety.
b) a fascinating new realm to explore and discover.

The first way is the way of resistance I described above. It’s easy at first, because our everyday life mostly offers us the commodity to ignore what we don’t know or want: under ordinary circumstances, everything is prearranged and set up for your maximum comfort. Yet, fate my jump up and bite you in the ass anytime.

The second way is the way of non-reistance: by accepting that there is more than meets the eye, you allow uncertainty into your life, actually welcome it. In doing so, you dissolve some of the mental blocks and walls you find yourself between, and start exploring new ground where you can define a new reality for yourself. You’ve actually done that kind of work before: when you grew out of your childhood, you went and set up the reality that you’ve been stuck in up until now.

Think about it: children hardly have anxieties because everything is new to them. They believe anything is possible, simply because they have no reason to think otherwise.

2. Let go of your need to control.

Accept that ultimately, nothing is completely under your control. Predictable as it may be, you have no power over the outcome of any situation – the only power you have is over your own actions, and that’s your major asset, your strength, your card up your sleeve.

3. Be impulsive.

Oftentimes, your gut will tell you to do something, but your brain will interfere and stop you: “No, no! That’s too dangerous, the stakes are too high, you should analyze the odds first, this needs to be carefully planned.” All those thoughts create your anxiety. Overcoming the fear of the unknown is about going beyond the limits of rational thinking: powerful as it may be as a tool, it can hold us back in situations where we could unleash our potential and access new ground. From now on, keep that open door and the white light in mind: you can be the explorer.

“You reap what you’ve sown”. “Life’s what you make it”. Don’t you love those catchphrases that contain a world of value in just a few words? I have another one for you that is both easy to remember and powerful in its message: “stop needing, start wanting”. It’s time you take some steps to learn how to stop being needy: today’s article is about transforming it into a strong notion of “wanting”.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side (edited by Chris Calo): read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

Do you sometimes stop and wonder how your perception of time has evolved over the course of your life? Me, when I was a kid, I was hardly even aware of the passage of time. The very fact that I had only accumulated so little of it yet made four measly years look gigantic – after all, when you’re eight, that’s half a lifetime. Being disconnected from the passage of time was a natural state I didn’t even question: mom and dad, granny and granddad were not getting older or changing, neither were our favourite movie stars, our town or the world around us. They all simply… were. When we played outside, we didn’t play until 5 pm, we played until we got tired or hungry, and then we went inside to eat. We never even realized what time it was until our parents reminded us of it: “I told you to be back at six!” For us, the time was always NOW.

We lost that “stillness in time”.

It is hard for us, perhaps even impossible, to stay unaffected by the passage of time. As the novelty of all things wears off and we accumulate years, we start rationalizing, counting, and managing that precious good called “time”, that slips through our fingers as years get shorter and shorter. Two factors contribute to that:

1. We’re shocked into recognizing time.

When you grow up, you observe that things actually do grow, evolve, change, age, and die. One day, you realize that your parents have indeed grown visibly older, and grandparents are gone. Movie stars fade away and you forget until you see them on a talk show and they’re 75 and look nothing like they used to. These are shocks that add to your own perception of time: “Oh my God, this is going to happen to me, too!” So you start counting: “I have so many years to accomplish this, I have three appointments on Thursday, I have to be at work at 8″.

2. We’re socially conditioned.

Our whole society is built on the management of time. Without clocks to tell us when to be where and do what, Western life would not function. When your parents cut you off in the middle of fun because it was 6 pm, that was a form of conditioning. They were teaching you to heed the clock, because that’s how their world works – and now it’s yours. When you started school, deadlines and timetables entered your life, classes started and ended in predictable intervals. You adopted the entire scheme and started managing the rest of your life in the same way: meet Sarah on Thursday at 7, cinema on Tuesday at 9.

Slowly, but surely, childhood ended and you grew into a reasonable adult.

We need to regain that “stillness in time”.

The truth of it all is: time, as we perceive it for the majority of our lives, does not exist in nature. It is something that mankind made up. The very fact that you have to learn it as a kid means that it’s not naturally built-in. Granted, you don’t get the concept of sexuality as a kid either, but that’s something that naturally develops when you grow – realizing and managing time, on the other hand, is something you have to consciously adopt. It’s a habit you ingrain just like smoking, watching TV or having one Vitamin C-pill each morning.

To resolve that, you need to become more aware. We went into detail about how to do that in our article “You have no future, no past and no place to be“, and I won’t repeat its insights about breathing and realizing the “Now”. From now on, though, you can ask yourself at any point in your life:

“Am I acting in accordance to nature?”

After six million years of human evolution, It is fairly safe to assume that our nature has provided us whatever we need to live happily and well. It’s true that our society holds many commodities and has yielded powerful tools to greatly improve our lives, but giving thought to our underlying nature and consciously moving back towards it is an important practice for you. By investigating your childhood, you can get back in touch with your own, individual natural state. Being disconnected from the passage of time is rooted in mindfulness. By becoming a “watcher”, aware of what’s happening around you and how you are creating your life, you will find it increasingly easy to reach that state of stillness.

FURTHER READING.

• Energy: Find yourself – a step towards mastering your life.
• The Bright Side: How to be attractive by knowing yourself, published on: Art of Seduction.
• The Bright Side: You have no future, no past and no place to be.

So you’re devoted to being absolutely great with women. That’s amazing! What you’re doing will create a better life not only for you, but also for whoever you invite into your reality. Surely, there’s lots of material out there to help you become that man. There’s one important skill, though, that sadly gets overlooked too often: it’s building a deep connection with a woman. And that should be a fundamental aspect of your game, the basis and ultimate goal of your endeavors.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side (edited by Chris Calo): read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.