One Way To Go • Natural Attractiveness.

“I’m a failure”, “people don’t like me”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not socially acceptable”. What’s the kind of narrative you play in your head every day? And how helpful are you to yourself? If it’s anything like the above, do you think it’s time to change it? I do – and I hear you object: what’s that gonna achieve, when evidence of your inadequacy is all around? I say: everything. I cannot stress enough what a vital role your inner narrative plays for your success and well-being in life.

This subject is very personal to me. You see, for a long time, I used to have a negative self-perception: judging from rejection or social failures, I drew a mental picture of myself as a misfit, failure and unlikable fellow. Even worse, I concluded that all my personal values had no meaning in real life. I finally realized there were two very detrimental mechanisms going on:

1. Caring too much about rejection.

That’s is not something unlikely for the human brain to do, because the it is wired to pay special attention to negative, distressing stimuli – after all, that strategy allowed us to survive throughout evolution. Today, you attach great meaning to the rejections you receive, and comparably little to the friendly, favourable reactions from people. If you sat down and reviewed your relationships – with coworkers, family, friends, peers – objectively, you would very likely find that the scales tip strongly in favour of acceptance.

2. Relying on false evidence.

Once you get this idea into your head that you’re not “good enough” for some perceived rules of society or “coolness standards” at your school or workplace, finding evidence to support that theory is a piece of cake. There’s enough people around who actually cannot stand you, and the rest of your interactions you just misinterpret or dismiss. “Yeah, he’s nice to me, but secretly he knows that I’m not a cool person, and he just talks to me because he’s a friendly guy. Nobody likes or understands what’s going on inside me. My inner life and values just make me a misfit in this sick society with all those shallow, superficial bastards in it.”

The dangerous thing about this attitude is that it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People pick up on your insecurities and the negativity that grows from them, and they actually do withdraw. But ponder this: you have a worse perception of yourself than anybody else! To the eye of the beholder, you’re likely just a normal guy, but inside your own head, you obsess about what others may think, and how you probably come across as a douchebag in an alien world.

Two things to do:

1. Stop worrying.

Because nobody cares. Seriously. Nobody does. And neither should you. Your attention should be on your heart – make what’s in there the most important thing.

2. Change your story.

The voices in your head, and the scenes they play out, are overdue for an overhaul. Imagine this: people laughing with you, smiling at your comments, shaking your hand, enjoying your presence.

Because this is what’s gonna happen! If you don’t believe it, try it. Approach the next person you talk to (bank teller, supermarket cashier, barkeep) with a bright smile and an upbeat “how do you do?” Then chat them up. They’ll love it! And if one doesn’t, tough luck. The next one will. Smile to yourself, and gradually change the way you think.

You can do that systematically through self-observation. Whenever you feel a negative idea creep in, force it out of your head. I mean it: forcefully shut it down, and do the same with all that follow. “I don’t think people will react well if I…” – shut it down! “Yeah right, like that’s going to solve my…” – stop it! “But I don’t have the skills, and that’s a proven…” – no! Out with it! “Yeah right, that’s easy to say” – kick it out of your brain. It’s a simple decision you make. No more negative thinking from now on. Replace all that junk with confidence (“confidence” literally meaning “with faith”!), joy, excitement.

Last piece of advice: redefine failure! If you gauge other people’s reactions to determine if you’re “successful”, it’s not going to get you anywhere. Instead, count it as a success if you follow your values and spread your idea of love and joy into the world. You know in your heart what’s right for you, what you stand for and what you believe in. If you live according to these values, you succeed. If you betray them, you fail. So how helpful are you to yourself now? Do yourself that favour. Nobody else will.

This is just a quick post to introduce some ideas about telling jokes with good effect. People often screw it up with bad delivery, even if the joke has great potential, while others can deliver lame jokes and leave you in stitches. Here are three pieces of advice:

1. Be prepared for it.

If you only remember parts of the story, don’t even bother telling it. Nothing’s a greater buzzkill than somebody trying to piece together a joke on the fly. “No, wait, then it’s the other guy that says… uh… no, it’s the first guy who says it.” Argh.

2. Make it intriguing.

Your joke, especially if it is a story (not a question with a funny answer), will have a better effect if you make it snappy. Don’t break its rhythm with “uuuh” and “erm”, don’t laugh while you’re telling it or keep repeating how awesome the punch line is. Establish parts of the story, picture the character’s actions and reactions.

3. Don’t laugh at it.

“Ha-ha-ha! I’m just kidding ya.” Doesn’t fly. When you say something funny or outrageous, make no excuses for it afterwards, and don’t laugh at it. Those things show that you are insecure, trying to validate your joke after telling it. (obviously, that doesn’t apply if you visibly offended somebody, the you should acknowledge your faux pas. See “How to stand your ground” for more.)

For great body language and delivery, observe people that already know how to tell a joke: Eddie Izzard is a brilliant comedian, and you’ll easily find clips from his shows online. If you’re into him, get an entire show: I recommend “Dress to Kill”, “Glorious” or “Circle”. You may also watch Jon Stewart (“The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” is online as well), Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Dave Chappelle. Closely examine the body language these guys have, and the ways they use their voices, facial expressions and gestures to accentuate their material. If you’re so inclined, you can even turn off the sound to get a better impression of their techniques. It’s going to help you a lot!

You poor thing! Life doesn’t go your way, does it? Stupid final exam overlaps your birthday, friends dragged you to a stinky pub, you had to wait for the bus for half an hour. In the rain. You’re frustrated, angry and you bitch to everybody you see. At least that makes it easier to bear! Or… perhaps not?! Hang on! Breaking news! Your victim mentality f*cks with your happiness. Even worse, if you take it too far, it will lead you down a vicious circle of self-destruction. So, are you playing the victim? Think about it.

What happens inside you is yours to control.

Great personalities decide to be the change they want to see in the world. Realize this: any gloomy emotions you carry are yours, and yours alone. You may not have control over pressure, hardships, crises, challenges. But you are the one who responds. If you hang your head in anger and frustration, you amplify your misery! A math challenge for you: if you have sh*t in your life, what do you get when you add more sh*t?! Yeah. It’s insane.

Complaining leads to isolation.

Unfair as it is, people don’t judge you by the troubles you face, but by how you deal with them. The good news: when friends see you suffer under your circumstances, they will offer you their shoulder and a helping hand. The bad news: misery only likes company for so long. If you don’t use the support you get to improve your attitude, friends will stop investing in you. Nobody likes an energy vampire. This is a fact of life.

The first thing you need to stop doing is complaining. It alienates people. They don’t want to hear how crappy things are and how much you loathe your situation! They want to hear that things are crappy and what you’re gonna do about it. They don’t want to hear how messed up your weekend was: tell them instead how messed-up it was and how you still enjoyed its few good sides!

Learn to bear anything with a smile and confidence. You’ll improve your situation just by doing that, and as an added bonus, earn the appreciation of your social surroundings.

Happiness does not bloom from complaint, discomfort and resentment. We agree that life can get really tough. The more troubles you face, the more important it is for you to be positive, joyful and welcoming towards everything and everybody in your life. So, are you playing the victim? Watch yourself and transform your mentality. Make the change you want. Spread some love for your own sake.

Sounds like a catchy slogan for a new service, doesn’t it? “Body Language Flirting! Amp up your animal attraction!” See, body language is incredibly powerful and it’s by far the most neglected area of flirting and seduction. It mirrors your mood and emotions, and transfers them to the person you’re with. Allow me to show how you can present great body language by modifying your emotional state.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

When I was younger, one thing had me simply stupefied: why was it that some guys seemed to have an endless stream of women pouring into their lives? I looked at my social circle and thought: “Where the heck does this fella get them?” It took many years for me to understand one thing: the real question is not “where to meet women”. There are ways to meet women anywhere you please! Let me give you some examples.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

It’s funny: as I share what I learn about dating and seduction, I keep running into men who wonder how to break through the “invisible shield” some women put up. You know the situation: you approach a really cute girl, and she gives you an attitude. “Sooooooo?” she asks, turning up her nose. “Are you desperate?”. Come over here, I got something else to ask you: are you serious!? Don’t you have standards? I’ll tell you something: the best way to break through that attitude is not to invest any more energy into that woman.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

Shhh! I’ll tell you a secret. I’m good at people-watching. I was at a party yesterday, and I saw this guy chatting with a flirty girl: as I watched them, I could literally see a big red sign flashing in his head: “How can I compete against the other men in here to attract that flirty girl?” I’m sure this guy spends a lot of time wondering how to be attractive to women. Let me tell you: instead of chasing women, you should be working on getting them to chase you.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

I remember that one day when I was talking to an Italian friend of mine. She had recently moved to another country: “I am disappointed in the men here”, she sighed. “In Italy, the guys are so forward with us girls, we have to swat them off with tennis rackets. But here, it feels like nobody notices me.” On that day, I had a fundamental insight: women want to be noticed! So many men out there wonder how to understand women. Here’s how I do it: I talk to them, and I ask questions.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

Look up 20 personal ads and you’ll know what women want a man to be. Funny! Charismatic! Stable! Sensual! Passionate! Mature! Smart! Ring a bell? But when you become funny around women, they only like you as the dorky best friend! You try to be sensual, they get creeped out. You tell them all about your stable job, they turn their backs. What do women want, then?! Here’s the answer: they want a man who knows what he wants – and gets it. Does this contradict the attributes I mentioned above? No! And I’ll tell you why – after this.

FURTHER READING.

• Full article by The Bright Side: read it here!
• Originally published on Art of Seduction.

Man has a sense for the discovery of beauty. How rich is the world for one who makes use of this discovery. Beauty must have power over man.

- Frankie Goes to Hollywood (War)

I’d like to take a minute to talk to you about love. No, this is not an article about Christmas. This is an article about your life, and what you want to do with it. There’s a choice about this that you can make any day, a stance that you can take and pursue with stern conviction from this moment on, like some of the greatest human souls have done before you. To whatever comes your way, your choice is to respond with love.

There’s enough negativity around. Don’t ever add to it.

Unfortunate as it is, hatred, antagony, annoyances or disturbances are part of our everyday experience. There’s the colleague at work who just can’t stand you, your pissed-off girlfriend who had a terrible day, the car diving by that sprays mud on you. Now and again, there’s little you can do about these things. However, you can do everything about how you respond to them!

It’s time you take responsibility for your interactions with this wonderful, crazy, unpredictable, moody, emotional, conflicted, harmonious world around you, and the magnificent beings that inhabit it. Let your prime motivators be love, and the pursuit of beauty. Look for them in all things until you can find them even in the direst of places. And make no mistake, this takes practice.

Whoever endeavours to rain on your parade, show them your appreciation for their human essence, their desires, emotions, flaws. Shake their hand and invite them into your life, tell them you have nothing but respect for them, and mean it.

Whatever frame of reality they have, whatever their character and goals are, you may not agree with them at all. And still, they’re your peers on a very deep level, and there, you are one.

Never stray from your values.

When love, truth and beauty become your immutable convictions, an immense inner strength will stem from acting in accordance with them at all times.

Instead of outcomes, your reference for success and fulfillment now lies within: you no longer depend on results as much, because even if you fail in an endeavour, you will feel satisfaction for never abandoning your core beliefs and values. Even more so, you never let anybody step on them either.

I’ll say it again: respond with love. This is Christmas, love is all around now, as they say. Do you have the resolve and strength to carry that attitude into the next month, the next year, make it an integral part of your everyday life? Keep your eyes open for adverse situations, where conflict brews, and face them with this attitude. This is not about bending over backwards to make others feel fine – assert your truth and stand for your values.

As you look into the eyes of the woman sitting with you, you wonder what it would feel like to touch her, and kiss her lips. Quickly, you decide that your impulse is inappropriate, and you choke it. Instead, you continue the mundane, but safe conversation you’re having with her. An hour later, you’re back home, alone, and you kick yourself for screwing up another date. Why is it so hard to be honest? Were the stakes too high? What did you have to lose? Was it anything you “possessed” when you came in?

Honesty: so much easier when you have beliefs.

I am convinced that with your belief system tightly in place, with a solid conviction, being honest will come quite naturally to you. Where is your belief system at? Let me give you a taste of mine. I believe in creating and pursuing my own truth, love and beauty. If something has validity in my frame of mind, if it speaks to my feelings, then it is my truth. Examine yourself, and find answers to these questions:

- what do I love?
- where am I going?

Note that I didn’t propose “what do I want?” as the first question, because to know what you want, you have to search your passions first. When you have a clear idea about what you love, you will find what you want: this goes for where you want to be at the end of the decade as much as the end of this week, or the day. Then, regardless what anyone else may say, “I love women and I am going to have several of them in my life” is just as valid as “I love this one woman and I want to have her solely” – as long as it’s your personal truth. Realizing your truth, and living it, will enable you to create beauty in your life.

Embrace and assert your truth.

“I’m wondering what it would feel like to kiss you.” This is going through your mind, right? It’s where your passion points you. Even as you are sitting in a café next to a lovely lady (not opposite her, I hope – it’s a date, be close enough to touch her!), you are on your pursuit of beauty. As you assert that frame, you’re less intruding her boundaries than inviting her inside yours. This is the journey you’re on, and she has the opportunity to come along. She is free to do with the invitation as she likes.

Yes. Yes, you may still end up alone in your flat. But will you beat yourself up for not asserting your reality? Did you follow your path? Are you still moving towards your notion of beauty? I sure think so. Well then, why is it so hard to be honest after all? I propose that you’re not solid enough in your conviction to follow the path you’re on. More pressingly, you may not have a clear picture of it in your mind to begin with. Figure it out, then assert it. “I’m not looking for a girlfriend.” – “Are you seeing other girls at the moment?” – “Yes. About 45, and some of them live in my basement.” I never said you couldn’t be playful about it. (tbs)